Joined: 23 Jun 2005 Posts: 12822 Location: Somewhere watching a Laker game
Posted: Sat May 13, 2006 2:46 pm Post subject: The Official Joke Thread
My wife sent this one to me:
A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural
pub...She gestured alluringly to the bartender who
approached her immediately. She seductively signaled
that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he
did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking
his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,"
she said, running her hands beyond his beard and
into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is
there anything I can do?"
"Yes I need for you to give him a message," she
continued, running her forefinger across the
bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her
fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them
gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to
say.
"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper,
hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
A pennypincher spent his whole life saving every penny. On the day when he lay in his deathbed, he asked his priest, doctor, and lawyer to grant his final wish.
"Please, each one of you please take $30,000 of my money and place it into my grave," he said. Soon afterwards, he passed away. The funeral services were soon held and his wishes followed.
Then it came about that the doctor, priest, and lawyer happen to meet. The priest tells them, "I have a confession to make. I took $10,000 of the money and used it to make repairs in my church."
The doctor then admits, "I have to confess too. I took $20,000 of the money and used it to buy medical equipment for the hospital."
The lawyer looks at them disgustedly and says, "How can you go against the wishes of a dying person? I gave the old man a check for the full $30,000." _________________ I'm like a Hadouken, down-right Fierce!
Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit lived in the same forest, but they didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog. They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes, so he told them that they could have three wishes each.
Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.
Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.
Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world. The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.
Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, “I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!” and rode off as fast as he could. _________________ Where's Cokie the Clown when you need him?
Joined: 28 Jun 2001 Posts: 3369 Location: Lake Minnetonka
Posted: Sat May 13, 2006 11:29 pm Post subject:
After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders
a drink. Already drunk and delirious, the man turns to the
person sitting next to him and says, ''You wanna hear a
blonde joke?'' The person replies, ''I am 240 pounds, world
kickboxing champion and a natural blonde. My friend is 190
pounds, world judo champion and is a natural blonde. And my
other friend is 200 pounds, world arm wrestling champion and
is also a natural blonde. Do you still want to tell me that
blonde joke?''
The man thinks for a while and replies, ''Not if I have to
explain it three times.''
MAN: I'd like to buy some dog food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he?
MAN: He's at home.
CHECKOUT LADY: I'm sorry, I can't sell this dog food to you
unless I see the dog. Store policy.
The next day, the man returns.
MAN: I'd like to buy some cat food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a cat?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Well...where is he?
MAN: He's at home!
CHECKOUT LADY: Sorry, I can't sell this cat food to you
unless I see your cat.
The next day the man returns.
CHECKOUT LADY: What's in the sack?
MAN: Put your hand inside.
CHECKOUT LADY: Hmmm...It's warm and moist! What is it?
MAN: I would like to buy some toilet paper _________________ Want Some Pancakes?
Joined: 17 Sep 2005 Posts: 1307 Location: Sitting on top of the world... with my laptop!
Posted: Sun May 14, 2006 9:00 am Post subject:
mbloves L.A. wrote:
uberzev wrote:
ClubLakers...
What happened zev, why so sad?
Probably just the agony of defeat refusing to be quenched _________________ "this game doesnt build character; it reveals it so be strong in body clear in mind and lofty in your ideals."
Joined: 09 Jun 2004 Posts: 1101 Location: Orange County
Posted: Mon May 15, 2006 9:50 am Post subject:
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. and now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Desperate
********************************************
Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package,while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGH! T YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0.If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly. WAV files. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program.
These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck,
Tech! Support
Two men were having a conversation about what they got their wife for their birthdays. the first man says "i got my wife a diamond ring and a bmw. If she does not like the diamond ring, she can drive herself in her new car to get a new gift.". the second man said "i got my wife a pair of sandals and a dildo.". The first man looked really confused and asked "where did you come up with that combination. " Second man replies "If she doesn't like the sandals, then she can go (bleep) herself!" _________________ Thank you, Kobe. We love you.
Joined: 28 Jun 2001 Posts: 3369 Location: Lake Minnetonka
Posted: Tue May 16, 2006 8:40 pm Post subject:
Man goes to doctor because his penis turned orange in color.
Doctor has never ever seen anything like it and asked the man if he works around anything that has radiation. Man says Doc I dont work at all. Doc says.. Are you sure? I have never seen anything like this and it might be a radiation poisoning or contamination. Man insisted that he never worked around radiation and never been exposed to it.. he has been unemployed the past year or so... Doctor ask him one more time.. if he doesnt.. then what is it that he does all day? Man says.. Doc all I do is watch porn movies all day and eat cheetos... _________________ Want Some Pancakes?
Joined: 23 Jun 2005 Posts: 12822 Location: Somewhere watching a Laker game
Posted: Fri May 19, 2006 4:59 am Post subject:
A rich white man threw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors, including Leroy, the only black guy in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating BBQ and flirting with the women. At the height of the party, the host said, "I came home from a business trip and I found a 10 foot alligator got in my pool and I can't find anybody who will come and take him away. I'd give a million dollars to anyone who would do the job!" The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! He was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and chokeholds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Kung-Fu master. The water was churning and splashing in the struggle. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the surface. He slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was staring in disbelief. Finally the host says, "Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars." "I don't want it," said Leroy, panting. The rich man said, "Leroy, I have to give you something! You won the bet." Leroy said, "I would be satisfied if you gave me the name of whichever one of these white motherf**kers it was that pushed me in the pool."
Joined: 17 Nov 2007 Posts: 67317 Location: In a world where admitting to not knowing something is considered a great way to learn.
Posted: Sun Jan 30, 2022 11:07 am Post subject:
Uber driver 'You got a man?'
Passenger 'I am a man'
Uber driver quiet rest of trip. _________________ Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.
America will never be destroyed from the outside. If we falter and lose our freedoms, it will be because we destroyed ourselves.
Joined: 10 Jul 2009 Posts: 12111 Location: Bay Area
Posted: Sun Jan 30, 2022 6:03 pm Post subject:
Little Johnny comes down for breakfast.
As he bounds down the staircase, he jumps over the cat lounging on the final step.
The slight exertion excites the young lad, so he decides to kick it up a notch and runs to the kitchen.
Mama puts on the breaks: "have you done your chores yet, Johnny?"
"Not yet." said Little Johnny.
"You know mama and poppa ain't runnin this farm by themselves, so you best get to if you want to eat."
Peeved, Johnny goes off to feed the chickens. Unable to control himself, he kicks a chicken.
Feels great.
He goes to feed the cows. The cow's slow mastication reminds him how hungry he is, and how annoyed he is to help before he eats.
So he kicks a cow.
Feels good.
He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig.
On the way back in, he passes a strawberry bush and for good measure, kicks it too.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal? You haven't even put in the strawberries."
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk. And you know I saw you kick the strawberries, so take a wild guess on how long you aren't eating those."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast. He's less amiable than Johnny, and a bit less awake, so he almost stumbles trying to avoid the cat on the final step.
Irritated, he kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile, and says: "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"
That's sort of a variant of the dialogue on 80s bands between Chris Penn and Kevin Bacon in Footloose. Pre-Uber and when dancing was banned.
"You like Men At Work?"
-- Which men?
"Men At Work."
-- Where they work?
"No, they're a music group."
-- What do they call themselves?
"Oh, no..." _________________ GOAT MAGIC REEL SEDALE TRIBUTE EDDIE DONX!
There is this business executive who is having an affair with his assistant.
One day, the assistant comes in to the office and asks, "want to sneak out after lunch and get a hotel room?".
The two go to a hotel room, have their fun and then fall asleep in each others arms without setting an alarm.
After several hours, the business executive finally awakens to find a dozen missed calls and texts from his wife asking where he is and why he has missed supper.
He runs in to the parking lot trying to figure out how to get away with this. He looks to the left and sees a large planter in the parking lot. He starts trotting through the grass, rubs mud and grass all over his arms and legs, all over his face, and once he gets dirty, runs to the car and rushes home.
He arrives at the house 2 hours after dinner time. He enters the door to see his angry wife who asks, "where the hell were you and why didn't you respond to my texts and calls?".
The man says to his wife, "Honey, we have been married 25 years, and I would never lie to you. I was having an affair with my assistant and we forgot to set an alarm before falling asleep in the motel room. I came home as soon as I realized".
His wife looks him up and down and slaps him across the face, "You're a god damned liar! You've been off playing golf!".
Joined: 17 Nov 2007 Posts: 67317 Location: In a world where admitting to not knowing something is considered a great way to learn.
Posted: Mon Jan 31, 2022 11:36 am Post subject:
At school one day teacher Lucy asked the students to give an example that involved sex.
Little Mary stood up and said my cat had kittens.
Teacher Lucy said that's a good example.
Next Little Percy stood and said, my sister had a baby.
Teacher Lucy said that's a good example.
Next Little Johnny stood and said, The Lone Ranger and Tonto were trapped between two Indian war parties. The Lone Ranger pulled out his gun and killed all the Indians on the left. He pulled his other gun and killed all the Indians on the right.
Teacher Lucy said that's an exciting story Johnny but what does it have to do with sex?
Little Johnny smiled and said that'll teach them Indians not to f_ _k with the Lone Ranger. _________________ Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.
America will never be destroyed from the outside. If we falter and lose our freedoms, it will be because we destroyed ourselves.
Last edited by jodeke on Tue Feb 01, 2022 6:53 pm; edited 1 time in total
Joined: 17 Nov 2007 Posts: 67317 Location: In a world where admitting to not knowing something is considered a great way to learn.
Posted: Tue Feb 01, 2022 12:39 pm Post subject:
BLONDE JOKE
There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was 50 miles away. The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore she swam 15 miles, drowned, and died. The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died. The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back. _________________ Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.
America will never be destroyed from the outside. If we falter and lose our freedoms, it will be because we destroyed ourselves.
There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was 50 miles away. The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore she swam 15 miles, drowned, and died. The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died. The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.
Joined: 17 Nov 2007 Posts: 67317 Location: In a world where admitting to not knowing something is considered a great way to learn.
Posted: Wed Feb 16, 2022 6:46 pm Post subject:
Q. What goes in hard and dry then comes out wet and soft? A. Chewing gum _________________ Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.
America will never be destroyed from the outside. If we falter and lose our freedoms, it will be because we destroyed ourselves.
You cannot post new topics in this forum You cannot reply to topics in this forum You cannot edit your posts in this forum You cannot delete your posts in this forum You cannot vote in polls in this forum