How to tell your racist friend, we're not friends anymore.
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lakerjoshua
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 28, 2017 7:37 pm    Post subject: How to tell your racist friend, we're not friends anymore.

The backstory:

About 2 years ago I made friends with an older guy (early 70's) at one of the few local pubs in my neighborhood. He lives close by and we hit it off pretty well. It became a pretty regular thing, Tuesday and Thursday, we'd save each other a seat and share a bar tab while talking sports and other random bar stuff. I run into him weekly at the grocery store, we see each other around town and great each other as friends. He's been to my house to help with the pool, never charged me a dime.

One night he'd had a little too much booze, told a joke, a little off color but everyone kinda let it go because he's old and was drunk. The following Thursday he elaborated on the joke with a racist tirade. It was shocking.

I stopped going to the pub. I'd seen him in passing a few times over the past months and pretended not to see him or greeted him quickly, and made an excuse not to stay and catch up.

In the meantime, I'd found a new place, it wasn't a local spot but close enough to stop in and have dinner and a beer after work. It was different but peaceful.

Tonight, I was starving and wanted a cold one after a hard week so I stopped by my new place. I grabbed a table in the back, ordered a beer and started reading LG when all of a sudden I hear his voice. It's like the sound the titanic made hitting the iceberg I'd imagine..I didn't see him at the bar as I came in but he saw me. He paid for what I'd ordered and pulled up a chair. I was stuck, 20 minutes til my dinner was ready and full beer in front of me. No excuses.

We made small talk, he was drinking heavily, told me how he'd been banned from the old pub and had been coming here now, and how happy he was to see me and how we can make this our "new" place....sigh.

My dinner comes out and by then he's pretty smashed and starts telling racist jokes, loudly. People are staring, the waitress is obviously upset...

I excused myself from the table, walked towards the bathroom and waived over my waitress. Near the back door I paid her for the bill, left her a very large cash tip and thanked her for being so gracious. And then I slipped away leaving a full beer, half eaten dinner and that racist jerk at the table.

I'm going to see him again, probably sooner than later.

How do I tell him he's not my friend anymore because he's a racist if he doesn't get it already?
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Omar Little
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 28, 2017 8:37 pm    Post subject:

"I'm sorry, your views just don't match up with my idea of how to treat my fellow humans. You're free to feel and say what you wish, but not to me. Good luck"
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 28, 2017 8:43 pm    Post subject:

Omar Little wrote:
"I'm sorry, your views just don't match up with my idea of how to treat my fellow humans. You're free to feel and say what you wish, but not to me. Good luck"


Pretty much the thing to say. Tell him you're not comfortable being in his company. From the way you describe things and him being banned from the "old place", it probably won't be too surprising to him.
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nickuku
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 28, 2017 8:47 pm    Post subject:

Just go back to the old place
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Huey Lewis & The News
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 28, 2017 8:54 pm    Post subject:

were the jokes funny?
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lakerjoshua
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 28, 2017 9:07 pm    Post subject:

Huey Lewis & The News wrote:
were the jokes funny?



Nope
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lakerjoshua
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 28, 2017 9:07 pm    Post subject:

Omar Little wrote:
"I'm sorry, your views just don't match up with my idea of how to treat my fellow humans. You're free to feel and say what you wish, but not to me. Good luck"


He's too old. Nope.
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lakerjoshua
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 28, 2017 9:09 pm    Post subject:

nickuku wrote:
Just go back to the old place


The food sucks and it's over priced, not an option.
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lakerjoshua
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 28, 2017 9:21 pm    Post subject:

He's a neighbor, I'm kinda stuck with him.
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 28, 2017 9:30 pm    Post subject:

lakerjoshua wrote:
nickuku wrote:
Just go back to the old place


The food sucks and it's over priced, not an option.


Then why did you go there for two years?

How large is your city?
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 28, 2017 9:31 pm    Post subject:

Dont change your life just to avoid some old bigot.

Man the f' up and call him out on it. See his reaction. If you are worried about a physical altercation with a 70 year old either you are a total wuss or he is Epic Beard Man in which case yeah don't poke the bear

Or...just start drinking alone

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PostPosted: Fri Jul 28, 2017 9:49 pm    Post subject:

lakerjoshua wrote:
Huey Lewis & The News wrote:
were the jokes funny?


Nope


I'd ghost him tbqh

Effective method for when awkwardness reaches critical mass, since you're not going to confront.

Do him the courtesy of acknowledging his existence since he's got one foot in the coffin already (and has maybe seen some bleep in his time) and because you'll have to since you share stomping grounds. Beyond that, blank him on interactions. Be ready to pick up and leave, if you must. Any "hey man, what gives, where are you going?" on his part should be ignored. Leave him in the dark about how he could've done wrong by you. It earns you a conscience-free escape from the relationship and it punishes that mother (bleep). Best of all, it costs you nothing but the meals and the good times you'll have to abandon.

Do this until he's dead.
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kcxiv
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 28, 2017 10:55 pm    Post subject:

i would just say, you need to cut that racist joke (bleep) out. He either respects you as a person and ease's up.

I grew up with racist jokes of all kinds, mostly my own race, so they dont really bother me at all. If its funny ill laugh.
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lakerjoshua
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 28, 2017 11:23 pm    Post subject:

CandyCanes wrote:
lakerjoshua wrote:
nickuku wrote:
Just go back to the old place


The food sucks and it's over priced, not an option.


Then why did you go there for two years?

How large is your city?


Antioch, it's Bay Area but deeeeep east.
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lakerjoshua
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 28, 2017 11:24 pm    Post subject:

Huey Lewis & The News wrote:
lakerjoshua wrote:
Huey Lewis & The News wrote:
were the jokes funny?


Nope


I'd ghost him tbqh

Effective method for when awkwardness reaches critical mass, since you're not going to confront.

Do him the courtesy of acknowledging his existence since he's got one foot in the coffin already (and has maybe seen some bleep in his time) and because you'll have to since you share stomping grounds. Beyond that, blank him on interactions. Be ready to pick up and leave, if you must. Any "hey man, what gives, where are you going?" on his part should be ignored. Leave him in the dark about how he could've done wrong by you. It earns you a conscience-free escape from the relationship and it punishes that mother (bleep). Best of all, it costs you nothing but the meals and the good times you'll have to abandon.

Do this until he's dead.

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lakerjoshua
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 28, 2017 11:34 pm    Post subject:

kcxiv wrote:
i would just say, you need to cut that racist joke (bleep) out. He either respects you as a person and ease's up.

I grew up with racist jokes of all kinds, mostly my own race, so they dont really bother me at all. If its funny ill laugh.


I think I'll confront his hostility with humor next time. Reading the feedback, it's obvious it's just a sleight and it's not worth energy.

Thanks fam.
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 28, 2017 11:44 pm    Post subject:

lakerjoshua wrote:
Omar Little wrote:
"I'm sorry, your views just don't match up with my idea of how to treat my fellow humans. You're free to feel and say what you wish, but not to me. Good luck"


He's too old. Nope.


What does his age have to do with it? There's no need to get into the mud or try to change him. Just clearly tell him that's not ok for you and you aren't going to associate with it or him.
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 29, 2017 12:53 am    Post subject:

Huey Lewis & The News wrote:
lakerjoshua wrote:
Huey Lewis & The News wrote:
were the jokes funny?


Nope


I'd ghost him tbqh

Effective method for when awkwardness reaches critical mass, since you're not going to confront.


I'm conjuring up Walt Kowalski here. Either that or pawn shop proprietor from Falling Down, which would be the worst case scenario. That could be explosive as in the movie. Josh, if you tell him he's mortifying, don't wait til he's drunk either way. It won't sink in. He'll think you have the problem.
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tlim
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 29, 2017 1:00 am    Post subject:

Discretely take a video of him. Post on websites. It goes viral and all breaks loose?

On a serious note, just tell him to knock it the F off. People don't want to hear that kind of hate.
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 29, 2017 1:02 am    Post subject:

Everyone's prejudice and say "racist" remarks.
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lakerjoshua
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 29, 2017 1:18 am    Post subject:

He's a Vietnam veteran who thinks it's ok to call the polite Hispanic waitress a "zipper head" because he thinks she's Asian. No, that's not a joke.

There's really no positive way to go with this guy other than to be confontational. All humor aside and I do appreciate the feedback.

Next time I'm stuck in a grocery isle with him, I'm just gonna put his old bigot ass on blast and let the crowd do the rest.
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lakerjoshua
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 29, 2017 1:21 am    Post subject:

May Darwin have mercy on his lack of soul.
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lakerjoshua
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 29, 2017 1:37 am    Post subject:

Huey Lewis & The News wrote:
lakerjoshua wrote:
Huey Lewis & The News wrote:
were the jokes funny?


Nope


I'd ghost him tbqh

Effective method for when awkwardness reaches critical mass, since you're not going to confront.

Do him the courtesy of acknowledging his existence since he's got one foot in the coffin already (and has maybe seen some bleep in his time) and because you'll have to since you share stomping grounds. Beyond that, blank him on interactions. Be ready to pick up and leave, if you must. Any "hey man, what gives, where are you going?" on his part should be ignored. Leave him in the dark about how he could've done wrong by you. It earns you a conscience-free escape from the relationship and it punishes that mother (bleep). Best of all, it costs you nothing but the meals and the good times you'll have to abandon.

Do this until he's dead.


I could actually ride this out for a couple more months/years and use his solitutde and lonley guilt to help kill him quicker.. Casual conversation could consist of "you're kids and family hate you" or "you only come here to hate yourself, but it's ok because everyone hates you too"?

Not passive aggressiveness but agessive agreessiveness?
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Huey Lewis & The News
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 29, 2017 3:58 am    Post subject:

lakerjoshua wrote:
Huey Lewis & The News wrote:
lakerjoshua wrote:
Huey Lewis & The News wrote:
were the jokes funny?


Nope


I'd ghost him tbqh

Effective method for when awkwardness reaches critical mass, since you're not going to confront.

Do him the courtesy of acknowledging his existence since he's got one foot in the coffin already (and has maybe seen some bleep in his time) and because you'll have to since you share stomping grounds. Beyond that, blank him on interactions. Be ready to pick up and leave, if you must. Any "hey man, what gives, where are you going?" on his part should be ignored. Leave him in the dark about how he could've done wrong by you. It earns you a conscience-free escape from the relationship and it punishes that mother (bleep). Best of all, it costs you nothing but the meals and the good times you'll have to abandon.

Do this until he's dead.


I could actually ride this out for a couple more months/years and use his solitutde and lonley guilt to help kill him quicker.. Casual conversation could consist of "you're kids and family hate you" or "you only come here to hate yourself, but it's ok because everyone hates you too"?

Not passive aggressiveness but agessive agreessiveness?


CALIFORNIA (AP) - An elderly California man was arrested after an incident which has been described by the chief of police as "the most gruesome act of violence in city history". Officers were able to apprehend the suspect, but not before he was able to stab and shoot 13 people to death, possibly including a local man to whom the suspect has repeatedly referred as his "only friend in the world". According to survivors, the suspect walked into a popular dive bar in the area while looking down the sights of his m16 and began to mutter the name "Joshua" LISTEN TO U2'S ENTIRE DISCOGRAPHY ONLINE sponsored in a calm, yet menacing manner, and then sprayed into the patronage. Investigators have speculated that the dismembered remains of one of the victims may belong to a local plumber known to business owners as "honest Josh". "He was always such a brutally honest guy" said Pajeet Vindaloo, a cashier at the adult bookstore across the street.
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 29, 2017 6:06 am    Post subject:

Interesting mock news story...

This is a tough one, one one hand, you know you are not going to change him - his upbringing and life events made him who he is. So telling him to stop is not going to work, and when he is drunk, all his racist tirades will likely return.

Still, you owe him some honesty, don't be like some chick you are dating who simply avoids you "hoping" you get the message!

Tell him that you feel uncomfortable when you are hanging out with him, period end of story...
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