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PostPosted: Sat Jun 15, 2013 7:44 pm    Post subject:

A buddy was telling me that he had sex with his girlfriend and her twin. I asked him how he could tell them apart during sex. He replied... "that's easy, her brother had a mustache".
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SilverBullet
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PostPosted: Sat Jun 15, 2013 7:45 pm    Post subject:

Still funny.
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Theseus
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PostPosted: Sat Jun 15, 2013 8:09 pm    Post subject:

If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.

He may look like an idiot, and talk like an idiot, but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

I was married by a judge, but I should have asked for the jury.
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paolomagma
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PostPosted: Sat Jun 15, 2013 10:16 pm    Post subject:

Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?

Because if it was then it would be a foot.
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dont_be_a_wuss
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PostPosted: Sun Jun 16, 2013 3:01 pm    Post subject:

jodeke wrote:
Little Johnny came down for breakfast.
His mother told him he had to feed the animals before breakfast.

Angry Johnny went to the barn yard to feed the animals.
Before he fed the pig he kicked it.
Before he fed the chicken he kicked it.
Before he fed the cow he kicked her.

He went in for breakfast and on the table he saw a dry bowl of cornflakes.
Looking at his mother he asked, where is the bacon, eggs and milk.
His mother replied I saw you kick the pig so no bacon.
I saw you kick the chicken so no eggs.
I saw you kick the cow so no milk.

Just then farmer John came down for his breakfast.
The cat was on the stairs so he kicked it off.

Little Johnny looked at his mother smiling and asked, You gonna tell him or you want me to.


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PostPosted: Sun Jun 16, 2013 3:31 pm    Post subject:

Conker wrote:
How does George W. Bush know that there's a weapon of mass destruction?

He got the receipt.


What do you get when you put 50 republicans in a room with 50 lesbians?

One hundred people who don't do dick.
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Free_Kobe
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 17, 2013 6:14 pm    Post subject:

I wonder if a receptionist at a sperm bank has ever used the phrase: "Thanks for coming."
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 17, 2013 6:39 pm    Post subject:

dont_be_a_wuss wrote:
jodeke wrote:
Little Johnny came down for breakfast.
His mother told him he had to feed the animals before breakfast.

Angry Johnny went to the barn yard to feed the animals.
Before he fed the pig he kicked it.
Before he fed the chicken he kicked it.
Before he fed the cow he kicked her.

He went in for breakfast and on the table he saw a dry bowl of cornflakes.
Looking at his mother he asked, where is the bacon, eggs and milk.
His mother replied I saw you kick the pig so no bacon.
I saw you kick the chicken so no eggs.
I saw you kick the cow so no milk.

Just then farmer John came down for his breakfast.
The cat was on the stairs so he kicked it off.

Little Johnny looked at his mother smiling and asked, You gonna tell him or you want me to.




Hehe, naughty.
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unleasHell
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PostPosted: Tue Jun 18, 2013 12:27 pm    Post subject:

Saw the toilet paper thread and remembered this old (Jackie Martling from Howard Stern) joke:

Guy goes into a store and asks where is the toilet paper, a clerk walks over to where it is and asks the guy:

Do you want white or colored paper?

And the guys says: Give me white, I'll color it myself...
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 19, 2013 1:39 pm    Post subject:

A Catholic was going skydiving for the first time. He was nervous so he went to his Priest, he asked him to pray that the chute would open.

The Priest said don't worry he chute will open. He said to the Priest, what if it doesn't? The Priest said again, don't worry, it will open. He again asked the priest, what if it doesn't?

His Priest told him, if the chute doesn't open just say, Allah Please Save Me!

The man said but I'm a Catholic why would I ask Allah to save me?

The Priest replied, trust me, say Allah Please Save Me. The man asked why? The Priest said in earnest, trust me.

He went sky diving as planned. He jumped and sure enough the chute didn't open.

Plummeting towards earth he was sure he would die when he remembered the instructions his Priest gave him. He prayed, "Allah Please Save Me."

A large black hand descended from the clouds, cupped him and set him gently down on the ground. The man looked up and said, Thank You Jesus.

A big black foot descended from the cloud and squashed him. (squish)
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 09, 2013 9:07 pm    Post subject:

Three Latvian are brag about sons.

“My son is soldier. He have rape as many women as want,” say first Latvian.

“Zo?” second say, “My son is farmer. He have all potato he want!”

Third Latvian wait long time, then say, “My son is die at birth. For him, struggle is over.”

“Wow! You are win us,” say others. But all are feel sad.
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 28, 2016 10:18 am    Post subject:

Got this from Bobby Knight introducing Donald Trump

Johnny said to his father, Dad did mom tell you I took my drivers license written and road tests today? The instructor told me I had the had the highest scores of the day. Dad said I'm proud of you son, good job. Johnny said, well Dad does that mean I can borrow your or mom's car in the future?


Dad said. Well that depends. I've been asking you to treat you brother and sister better, stop teasing them. I'm concerned about your grades, you'll have to bring them up. You've been lax on your chores, you'll have to do better. I've asked you to read the bible. Last I've asked you to cut that long hair.,

Time passes. Johnny approached his father. I've stopped teasing my brother and sister, my grades have improved, my chores have been done on time and well and I read the bible. Can I borrow your car?

Dad said great you did everything except cut your long hair. Johnny replied. Reading the bible I learned Matthew, Mark, Luke, John and Jesus had long hair. His father said yeah, and they walked every where they went.
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Last edited by jodeke on Fri Apr 29, 2016 11:51 am; edited 1 time in total
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Legacy
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 28, 2016 3:01 pm    Post subject:

- "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

- "Why?"

- "To get to the (bleep)'s house."

[puzzling silence]

- "Knock knock!"


BTW (bleep) can be substituted with anything (example: "goofball") in case you're telling that joke to children.
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 28, 2016 3:29 pm    Post subject:

Dwight Howard.
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!...
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 29, 2016 11:34 am    Post subject:

A blond looking to make some money doing odds and ends knocks on the door of her neighbors house and asks if he has some odd jobs she could do. He replies,"you can paint my porch." The blond says ok and charges $50, the neighbor agrees and tells her there is paint and materials in the garage. The neighbors wife sees the blond heading to the garage and asks her husband what's going on. The husband explains the job and the $50 and the wife replies "but our porch extends the length of our entire house! She'll be painting all day!" The husband grins and says "I know!"

A half hour later the blond appears at the door exclaiming that she is done. Before the puzzled neighbor can utter a word the blond then says "oh by the way it's a Ferrari not Porch."
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 29, 2016 12:41 pm    Post subject:

The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was was a very tense situation.
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 30, 2016 1:49 am    Post subject:

A man regularly golfs with two of his buddies every Saturday morning in their usual threesome at their local country club. One Saturday they are playing and they notice that in the group ahead of them, there's this attractive female, playing in a twosome, and they notice that she's got a great swing and is absolutely killing the ball off the tee. The man is incredibly intrigued by this. They finish up on the 17th green and make their way to the 18th tee and and the woman is there, now by herself. She tells them that her playing partner had to leave due to an emergency and asks if she can join their group to play the last hole. They agree and she proceeds to whack yet another impressive drive. The man and she strike up a conversation, which they take into the clubhouse for a beer after the round. It all goes so well that they end up back at his place. One thing leads to another, and the guy proceeds to get the best bj of his life. The man is smitten and invites her to play golf with his 2 buddies the following Saturday, now as a foursome. She agrees.

So this same scenario plays out the following Saturday. The rapport is great and the woman just continues to play great golf. They go back to his place and again, the man gets the best bj ever. This happens again the following Saturday as well.

So on the fourth Saturday, again they play golf. Again she stripes the ball off the tee. Again they go back to the guy's house. Before anything happens, the man says "you know, I'm having an amazing time with you. I really am. And I love everything that we do. But I'm curious, can we go a little further this time?" The woman hesitates and finally replies "I'm so sorry, I like you too but I don't know how to tell you this...but I am actually a man."

The man is angry and disgustedly blurts out "you b*tch! You're telling me this whole time you've been playing from the ladies' tees?"
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PostPosted: Sun May 01, 2016 2:20 am    Post subject:

we should all take a moment to mourn the loss of an American icon. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey," died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in and then the trouble started.
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PostPosted: Sun Aug 21, 2016 1:51 pm    Post subject:

The Great Zatara was performing on the Titanic.
One day a man with a parrot was in the audience.
This parrot started to heckle The Great Zatara.
Parrot voice: “Browk, it is in his hat!”
Parrot voice: “Browk, it is his hand!”
Parrot voice: “Browk, it is his pocket!”
That night the boat hits an ice berg and sinks.
The Great Zatara wakes up on a piece of driftwood with the Parrot.
Two days go by with the two of them just staring at each other – really glaring!
Then the Parrot says, “Ok, I give, Where’s the boat?”
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Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.

America will never be destroyed from the outside. If we falter and lose our freedoms, it will be because we destroyed ourselves.
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PostPosted: Sun Aug 21, 2016 7:48 pm    Post subject:

Knock Knock!

Who's there?

Europe!

Europe who?

No! You're a Poo!!
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 12, 2016 1:59 am    Post subject:

How do you know the toothbrush was invented in the south?...........if itwas invented in the north...it would have been called a teethbrush
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jodeke
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 14, 2016 10:20 am    Post subject:

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here.
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Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.

America will never be destroyed from the outside. If we falter and lose our freedoms, it will be because we destroyed ourselves.
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 14, 2016 10:59 am    Post subject:

A fish swimming down a stream spots a fly flying right over him. The fish thinks, "if that fly drops six inches, I can jump and catch that fly."

A bear see the fish that sees the fly. The bear thinks, "if that fly drops six inches, the fish will jump to catch the fly and I can catch the fish."

A hunter sees the bear that sees the fish that sees the fly. The hunter thinks, "if the fly drops six inches, the fish will jump to catch the fly, the bear will catch the fish, and I can shoot the bear."

A mouse sees the hunter that sees the bear that sees the fish that sees fly. The mouse thinks, "If the fly drops six inches, the fish will jump to catch the fly, the bear will catch the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, and I can get the cheese in the hunters lunch."

A cat sees the mouse that sees the hunter that sees the bear that sees the fish that sees the fly. The cat thinks, "If the fly drops six inches, the fish will jump to catch the fly, the bear will catch the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, the mouse will get the cheese, and I can catch the mouse.

The fly dropped six inches.

The fish caught the fly, the bear caught the fish, the hunter shot the bear, the mouse got the cheese, and the cat pounce for the mouse but miss and landed in the stream.

Moral of the story: Every time a fly drops six inches, a puzzy gets wet!
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 14, 2016 11:01 am    Post subject:

Here's to Heat:

Not the kind that ignites and burns down shanties.

But the kind that excites and brings down panties.
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jodeke
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 14, 2016 11:20 am    Post subject:

Aussiesuede wrote:
A fish swimming down a stream spots a fly flying right over him. The fish thinks, "if that fly drops six inches, I can jump and catch that fly."

A bear see the fish that sees the fly. The bear thinks, "if that fly drops six inches, the fish will jump to catch the fly and I can catch the fish."

A hunter sees the bear that sees the fish that sees the fly. The hunter thinks, "if the fly drops six inches, the fish will jump to catch the fly, the bear will catch the fish, and I can shoot the bear."

A mouse sees the hunter that sees the bear that sees the fish that sees fly. The mouse thinks, "If the fly drops six inches, the fish will jump to catch the fly, the bear will catch the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, and I can get the cheese in the hunters lunch."

A cat sees the mouse that sees the hunter that sees the bear that sees the fish that sees the fly. The cat thinks, "If the fly drops six inches, the fish will jump to catch the fly, the bear will catch the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, the mouse will get the cheese, and I can catch the mouse.

The fly dropped six inches.

The fish caught the fly, the bear caught the fish, the hunter shot the bear, the mouse got the cheese, and the cat pounce for the mouse but miss and landed in the stream.

Moral of the story: Every time a fly drops six inches, a puzzy gets wet!


Good one.
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Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.

America will never be destroyed from the outside. If we falter and lose our freedoms, it will be because we destroyed ourselves.
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